


Slipping Through My Fingertips

by Blissfulbroadway



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Angst, Blood, Coping, Crying, Cutting, Denial of Feelings, Gay, Graphic Description, Graphic Description of Injury, Grief/Mourning, Heavy Angst, Illnesses, In Denial, M/M, Major Illness, Near Death Experiences, Pain, Self-Harm, Sickness, Suicide Attempt, Terminal Illnesses, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Vomiting, dying, sick
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-18
Updated: 2019-02-10
Packaged: 2019-03-20 22:42:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 11
Words: 6,673
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13727520
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Blissfulbroadway/pseuds/Blissfulbroadway
Summary: Jared is sick. No one knows why.





	1. Too Young to Die

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first writing piece on here (not a collab) so please leave criticism and such when you're done! I hope you enjoy! - Bella <3

Fountains sparkling and spraying water up, then raining down. Sunshine bright yet not blinding. Soft clouds billowing in skies of blue. Trees once green speckled with patches of red and orange. Couple hand in hand. Bright smiles playing across lips. Laughs echoing in ears. Arms swinging side by side. Happiness filled both boys. Warmth. Jokes recited expertly. Jokes recited and changed when they forget how the wording goes. Laughter erupting either way. Soft skin brushing against soft skin at the arms. A tale of two lovers. Evan and Jared were in love. Spending free time with one another. Countless dates. Countless calls and texts and reminders the other was okay, that they loved and missed them and couldn’t wait to spend the next day together. Kisses exchanged. Evan and Jared walked the trail of the park.

Suddenly, as Evan told a joke he once heard his mother tell him as a child, Jared felt his world slip under him. No, wait, those were his feet. When was he on the floor? Wait, where was he? Who was he? The world rushed in his ears, stormy, crashing waves of waters, tearing everything apart in its path. Jared felt like he was being pulled farther into the depths of a dark, black ocean, cold and killing. Was he drowning? Jared drew in abrupt, terrified breaths, yet nothing cleared. It only made him suck in water, choking and icy and so very painful. Jared was drowning.

Although, not really. Evan had been watching this beside him, his joke cut off when Jared found himself on the ground. Evan was frozen in fear and worried as hell. I mean, who wouldn’t be? Jared was on the floor, seemingly unconscious. He was shaking and his breathing was sharp, but his eyes were closed tight and he wasn’t speaking or moving anything, other than the convulsing.

“Jared?!” Evan called out after snapping out of his thoughts. He got to his knees, shaking Jared’s shoulder and pleading for him to stop joking around, that he tricked him and he could get up and they could go on with their date making jokes about how funny Evan’s reaction was, how scared he had gotten.

But, Jared didn’t respond or get up. Not even move. He wasn’t even breathing, Evan realized. Not correctly, at least. It was faint, still there, but so sharp and inconsistent. So very concerning.

“Someone! Anyone, help! Call the police! Please!”  Evan yelled out, not even feeling the tears running down his face. He kept a hand under Jared’s nose, making sure he was breathing. Evan’s other hand pressed to Jared’s pulse. It didn’t seem right. Obviously not. None of this did. People shouldn’t be like this. Especially not his Jared. Jesus fuck, where is the help?

Thankfully, help did come. An ambulance, paramedics, police. They pushed Evan away, quickly lifting the shaking Jared onto a stretcher, ordering everyone to stand back. Evan was screaming, crying, trying to reach for or follow Jared. An officer held him back, attempting to calm the panicking blond. The words only blended together, going in one end and spilling out the other. At this moment, Evan didn’t even know what he was saying, if he was speaking. He wasn’t, though. Evan went silent other than the sobs that poured out. The police guided him into their car to bring him to the hospital, knowing he had been with Jared when he collapsed and could get information from him, along with bringing him to see Jared at the hospital.

Evan wasn’t sure what happened. Neither were the nurses, or doctors, or any medical professional who should know. No one had a clue. What happened to his healthy Jared? Evan had been questioned by just about everyone who was trying to figure out why a man had suddenly collapsed and reacted as he had in the park.  Evan told them all the same thing, that he, too, had absolutely no idea and he wanted them to leave him be. After the last of the doctors finished their interviews and left the hospital room, Evan allowed himself to rest against Jared’s bedside and let out the sobs he had been holding in.


	2. The Worst Things Happen at the Worst Times

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan wonders what Jared did so wrong to cause him so much pain now.

Dark, blue violet rings adorning his eyes. Pale, translucent skin. Light, blue white, cracked lips. Idle body. And so, so cold. There Jared lay, in a hospital room. Curtains drawn, TV off. Covers pulled up to his chest, arms pulled out to rest on top. Tubes. Needles. Beeping machines. Rushing nurses. A restless, worrying Evan sitting beside the stark white bed. A cup of hospital coffee in his grip. Dark circles under his own eyes. Tears dried on his cheeks. It had been minutes, hours, days, even. Evan counted each second, wondering which one would be the one where Jared would wake. Although, _no one_ knew when Jared would wake, _if_ he’d ever wake.

Then, out of nowhere and much to Evan’s disbelief, Jared’s eyes blinked open. He turned his head a few inches to his left, looking around carefree as if people hadn’t been freaking out over him for days now. His gaze landed on Evan. Fresh, wet tears rolled down his face, hands folded in prayer, eyes full of hope and searching desperately for a boy he didn’t know was lost or found. When he saw Jared was actually awake, or conscious at all, his heart stopped. Evan had to pinch himself to see if he was dreaming or if Jared was actually here. A choked yelp he barely realized was his own told him that, yes, his boyfriend was really awake.

“Baby, what’s going on?” Jared asked, his own voice strained and terrified. He tried to swallow it down for Evan’s sake, even though he was the one in the hospital bed and his mouth was too dry to swallow anything.

Evan reached out a trembling hand, holding Jared’s cheek as gently and gingerly as humanly possible. Jared was so pale, so almost translucent and gone, it frightened Evan. He needed to treat this boy like fragile glass.

“When we went to the park, y-you, um, I don’t know, you fell and you were shaking and unresponsive and we were all so scared of you never coming back, and--” Evan choked back a sob, his own face filling with even more concern when he saw how confused Jared seemed.

“The park?” Jared asked in confusion, glancing down at the tubes and needles and everything connected to his arms, hands, middle, everything. What the fuck what the fuck what the fuck. Jared had an urge to pull them out and leave, because he felt fine and there was no need for him to be here. But, he was too weak and too tired to move any of his limbs.

“Yes, Jare’, the--the park, You...don’t remember?” Evan asked, his eyes now wide with fear. Oh, god. What did Jared forget? What did he remember?

Jared shook his head no before resting his head back against the uncomfortable pillow. Jared felt numb, and tired, scared and confused. All the things he wasn’t sure he should or shouldn’t be feeling. Jared squeezed his eyes shut tight.

“Oh, god. I--” Evan was quick to reach over, pressing the ‘call nurse’ button, as he didn’t want to scare Jared by frantically yelling. Besides, his voice was beyond capable of yelling at this point, and people only ever did that in movies. He needed a nurse, and now. Something very bad is happening, although no one knew what.

Jared heard the worry in Evan’s voice, the rustling of sheets and a button being pressed. His eyes snapped open and he was quick to sit up, yelping when a surge of bright, searing pain coursed through him. Jared didn’t even know the source of this pain, just that it was everywhere. His blood, bones, muscles, nerves, everything. Jared went limp against the pillows, tears streaming down his face and sudden cries in pain spilling out of his mouth.

“Everything hurts. Oh, god, why does it hurt?” Jared wailed, fingers searching and gripping tight onto the bed sheets. Evan only watched, frozen and sobbing.

“Jare'? Jared, baby, hold on, please. Someone is--they’re coming to help. Hang in there, please.” Evan spoke, although Jared couldn’t hear. The rushing waters were back, crashing in his ears, stormy and terrifying and drowning and _killing_ , and neither Evan, nor Jared, knew what was going on.


	3. A Heart Full of Hope

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There's a chance of getting better.

A burst of color in pale skin. Light pink lips, slightly chapped. Rosy cheeks. Warm skin. A few more weeks. Then a whole month. Finally, he was able to get out of bed and shower alone. Jared was seemingly getting better. There were smiles. Jokes. A bit of happiness in such a terrifying time. Evan sat beside him through it all. Telling stories. Sharing memories. Carrying in the flowers, the cards, and balloons all telling Jared to get better. Letting in company. Family. Friends. The curtains were always open. Sunshine spilled in through the windows. Evan got rest. No more hospital coffees keeping him up every hour of the day. No crying as Jared slept. Less worrying. Evan enjoyed it. _Jared was getting better_.

Jared’s eyes fluttered open, twinkling with life and happy to see Evan already up and waiting for Jared to wake. Jared cautiously wiggled up against the pillows, reaching out a hand which Evan took immediately. Evan leaned down, pressing a kiss to Jared’s knuckles.

“Morning, Jare’.” Evan greeted with a soft and kind smile, his thumb rubbing circles into Jared’s smooth skin.

Jared hummed, his head tilting back as he yawned. Jared carefully slipped his hand out from Evan’s grasp, stretching his arms up while avoiding tugging out the few tubes and such still in his arms. There seemed to be less and less machines Jared was hooked to each day.

“Good morning, babe.” Jared replied tiredly, returning Evan’s smile. Although exhausted from all the nurses keeping him up every hour, Jared was alright. He, along with Evan, didn’t fear he’d be found dead the next day. They prayed it stayed that way.

“You’re looking better today. Really, really good.” Evan pointed out, brushing away a hair that fell against Jared’s forehead. Jared left out a soft laugh, his smile bright and happy.

“Do you think they’ll let me out anytime soon?” Jared asked, tilting his head. He wanted to get out. That was a sign he was better, right? That meant he wouldn’t have to deal with the mysterious pain they still couldn’t pinpoint. Best of all, he wouldn’t have to see the faces looking at him in pity, the ones that come in with flowers or cards and say that he should still keep his hopes up, that he’ll get better. He already knew all that. Jared didn’t want anyone’s pity.

Evan closed his eyes in thought before nodding and looking at Jared again. “Maybe. You seem much better.” Evan reminded, squeezing Jared’s hand. Jared shifted slightly, pulling his legs to his chest and resting his chin onto his knees.

“Good. When I get out, we should go somewhere. What about that ice cream shop near our houses? We haven’t been on a date there, yet.” Jared suggested softly, wrapping his free arm tight around his legs. The other rested comfortably, his hand in Evan’s.

Evan tried not to let his smile falter at Jared’s words. It seemed as though Jared was forgetting a lot recently.

“No, Jared, we, uh--we went to the ice cream shop together before. Our first date. Remember you got a rainbow sherbet ice cream, and I got cookie dough? I um...I spilled it all over myself and cried, and then you helped me clean it up?” Evan reminded with a sad smile, stroking Jared’s skin with his thumb. Jared squinted at Evan in confusion before shaking his head.

“No, I-I guess I forgot.” Jared said, chuckling softly to mask his confusion and fear. How could he not remember their first date? Jesus, he really was losing it. Jared focused in front of him, trying his hardest to remember _anything_ from that day.

The waves rushed in Jared’s ears again. Maybe his memories would wash up onshore as if he’d never lost it. The ocean just seemed to stormy and dark to allow that, though. Jared was pulled from his thoughts when Evan winced and tugged his hand away. When Jared’s head snapped up to look at Evan and ask why he pulled his hand away, Evan was clutching it to his chest, rubbing it tenderly.

“Ev, what’s--did I do something wrong?” Jared asked. Evan shook his head no, although his eyes were filled with tears and he seemed to be in pain. Jared didn’t realize it, but he had been holding Evan’s hand so tightly, his fingers had dug into Evan’s skin and even bruised him. Evan and Jared both knew something was wrong.

Maybe Jared wasn’t getting better.


	4. Heartbreak Comes With Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jared gets worse.

Leaves turned to orange, yellow, red, now fall to the ground. White snowflakes drop to the cold concrete. Cool air. Heat turned up high. Blankets wrapped around shivering bodies. Tan skin growing paler every day. Dark circles and bags appearing under closed eyelids. Fever. Coughing. Puking. Illness strikes. Bedridden. New machines, tubes, needles, all hooked up, beeping and pumping into the sick boy’s immobile body. His partner sitting at his bedside every hour of every day. Growing tired. Hopeless once again. Tearing through every cup of hospital coffee possible until the nurses stop supplying him. Crying softly while the other sleeps. Prayers and wishes only got him so far. Evan’s boyfriend isn’t getting better. He wouldn’t get better.  _ Why couldn’t Jared get better? _

Evan sat at Jared’s bedside, as he had been for months. It only got worse. Evan stopped going to his community college classes and quit his job just to wait by his side. Evan didn’t know if Jared was going to be dead the next morning or if he’d be cured. He looked just about ready to die, really. Hooked up to machines, always running tests to figure out what had gone wrong, in pain 24/7, and an unknown, incurable sickness shutting him down. Evan couldn’t help but lose more and more hope of the latter happening. Jared’s health was declining instead of getting better like everyone thought, like the doctors said, like Evan hoped. It seemed to be a lost cause. Of course, Evan didn’t want or expect it, but it was spiraling faster than he could keep up with, faster than anyone could keep up with.

Still, Jared accepted it, his seemingly nearing death. One day, he told Evan that he had to die sometime, and that fate just planned for it to be now. Evan simply cried and begged Jared not to say that, to fight as hard as he could.

“Jared,” Evan’s eyes are full of tears, “You-- you’re going to live. You have to. I need you here. You know I can’t bear to lose you.” Evan protested, his voice strained, and he, as usual this wintertime, visibly upset. Jared scoffed weakly, barely shaking his head.

“Evan, I know it’s hard, but, it’s going to happen, and soon. Just--” Jared winced at the slight pain that meds just couldn’t help anymore a few words in. Afterwards, he continues as if nothing happened. “Don’t be too upset when I’m gone. I--” Jared inhaled sharply. It hurt to speak some days. “I love you, Hansen. I want you to live on without me. I want you to live your dorky life happily. Make up for mine.” Jared instructed, his thumb barely grazing Evan’s skin as he says this, comforting Evan as best as he could.

At this point, Evan was sobbing into his other hand, shaking his head in disagreement.

“No, Jared, I--” Evan wiped his face, holding back the rest of his sobs. “I could never. Just, please don't leave me. Please.” Evan begged, pleaded, praying for Jared to stay alive. Jared, no matter how much it pained him to see Evan crying and hear how heartbroken he was, simply pulls off his glasses and turns his head away, closing his eyes and attempts to block Evan out.

“I’m tired.”

And with that, Evan went silent, his heart aching. That was the moment he realized he may actually lose the only boy he’s ever loved. With that in mind, Evan rushes out of the room, crying as hard as he’d ever cried before, in the public hospital bathroom. The familiar feeling of helplessness, drowning and unable to swim, rushed back. Icy, painful, deathly.

Jared may die soon.


	5. A Shell of A Once Living Boy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jared is in pain.

Nearing the end of winter. Snow melting. Rain washing away the sick. Plants barely starting to show. Warmth. Yet, the dying boy only got worse. Weeks of laying in bed. Nowhere near better or improving. Faded. Tired. Losing weight and hope each day. Paler and paler, sicker and sicker. More machines, more tests, yet the same shit every day. Numb to life.  _ Jared laid in bed, wondering which day would be his last, and if he even wanted to stay alive until then. _

Jared’s facade of toughness and indifference was quickly starting to crack each time he felt a burst of pain run through his body, or drops of blood being coughed up or running out of his nose, or vomiting up his stomach acid, as he couldn’t even keep food down anymore. He was sickly skinny, ill, pale. The usual healthy,happy, loving twinkle in his eyes was gone, a dull, faded and dark color was all that was left. The only color was the slight blue tinge in his lips or the visible, thin veins across his body. He was a living corpse. Nowadays, there wasn’t any switching between getting better and declining again. It was only declining. It was all tumbling down in the blink of an eye.

But, one morning, without knowing quite why, there was a new feeling.  _ Jared didn’t know if he was dying or if there was some miracle of life bestowed upon him _ , just that he never felt it before.

It was a mix of anger, vulnerability, pain, sadness, happiness, relief. Jared didn’t realize that feeling was from his fist colliding with a wall. 

In his sick daze, he had somehow gotten out of bed, walked to the wall, and punched it. Not only once, either, but over and over and over. Both hands. He even threw himself against the wall, his shoulders and elbows pressing hard against the plaster. Sobs and yells erupted from his mouth, angry about why he had to die so young.

_ “Why me? What have I done to deserve this? I hate you! I hate you so much!” _

No one knew why Jared had done so, what caused him to do that in the middle of the night, or how he even managed to get up. Not even himself. All anyone knew was there was going to be chaos afterwards. That was a correct assumption.

The nurses had arrived at the noise, and the fact Jared’s machines had abruptly stopped, not because he was dead, but because they had all been yanked out from the force and quick movement of the unthinking, erratic boy who shouted and threw himself against a hospital wall like his life depended on it.

_ Maybe it did _ . 

He at least felt something, the overwhelming sensation of pain. He felt  _ alive _ .

That was, until he vomited blood along with bile and started to have another episode as the one which landed him in the hospital and kept him here. Convulsing, immediate shutdown of his body. Except, this time, was even worse.

When the nurses, and now an alert, awake and terrified Evan, pulled Jared, who was still beating his fists and side of his body against the wall, away, he collapsed. 

The tile was covered with blood and puke, a remnant of Jared’s breakdown. A broken boy now unconscious in a heap on the hospital floor. A worried, sobbing boyfriend who was half-awake yet so aware. A group of nurses lifting him, whisking him away. A boyfriend screaming, following behind. Nurses who were not assisting the unconscious boy pulling Evan away, holding him back. Words exchanged. Yelling. Tears.

It all happened in a blur, as if it were a movie scene playing before him and he and Jared were peacefully sleeping. But, Evan knew it was indeed all real and terrifying, a living nightmare. Evan was awake all hours of the night, and the only peaceful sleep Jared got was heavily induced from drugs.

Evan’s mind was filled with terrible thoughts about whether or not tonight was the night Jared would die. It was all so fuzzy and stuffy Evan could barely think or know what was going on. Evan knew the nurses were helping Jared as best they could, were trying to calm him, explaining to him what they knew, yet, Evan didn’t  _ understand _ . He couldn’t even hear or move or breathe anymore. He was frozen, the now familiar and haunting wave of dread flooding him, washing over him, a riptide pulling him farther and farther away from where he wanted to be.

Evan was in shock, and Jared was barely alive.


	6. The Beginning of the End

Unconscious body rushed out of the room. The other, moved to the waiting room. Empty hospital room spotted with blood, sick. It wasn’t right. The boy was supposed to get better. Too much pain. Too, too much. His partner spent too much time by his side. Waiting. Waiting for it to get better. That never happened. The days turned to black. Never ending night. Time seemed to stop. There was now an emptiness Evan wasn’t sure he could fill.

Jared was dead.

Evan had completely denied it the first time he received the news. It seemed too much like a nightmare to be real. It couldn’t be real. It couldn’t.

_“We’re very sorry to inform you, but Jared has sadly passed away this morning at 2:36 AM.”_

Evan had laughed, shaking his head in disbelief.

_“That just can’t be true. He was getting better. He’s going to get better.”_

Evan spoke those words so confidently, as if his boyfriend hadn’t been frantically throwing himself against the wall and then collapsing not even hours before. Still, the doctor insisted.

_“No, sir, we’re sorry to say, but Jared is no longer alive. We’ve done the best we could, but he just didn’t survive. I am deeply sorry.”_

At that point, Evan got up from the waiting room chair he had been anxiously glued to that whole night, letting out another laugh and pushing the doctor away, not hard, just out of his path.

 _“You’re sick. Truly sick. Jared was doing just fine. You--you’re joking. I know it. Jared can’t be--“_ Evan was caught on his words, and they barely came out.

_“Jared can’t be dead.”_

The doctor very carefully placed a hand onto Evan’s shoulder.

_“He’s dead, sir. I can bring you to see him. Afterwards, we need to take him out of the hospital. I’m afraid we cannot help any more. Again, we’ve done all we could, but…”_

Evan didn’t realize the sob that broke the heavy silence came from his throat. Suddenly, Evan found himself running. Out of the hospital doors, sobbing. The man he thought he’d be able to be with for the rest of his days; the love of his life. Gone.


	7. Unfelt Feelings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan chooses not to feel things.

The clock ticked. Alarms were snoozed over and over until the next sun rose. A body rarely left his bed. Once he finally did, he never left his room. Instead, tea was placed outside of the door, along with a meal that would go uneaten until he stopped thinking about the boy he loved. That could be days. By the time he had a bite or two of the cold toast, the boy was back on his mind. Glass shattered. Life went on.

The days went by slowly to Evan. Although, it was months that had passed. Evan was stuck. On the windowsill, to be exact. He drank tea and re-read Jared’s favorite comics, cozied up in Jared’s favorite shirt. It didn’t smell like him anymore.

Evan wasn’t himself anymore, either. He acted as though Jared were still alive and well, just...out. Somewhere. Whenever anybody asked, Evan didn’t have one specific answer. It varied. It was uncertain.

“Ev, how’re you feeling today?”  
“I miss Jared.”  
“Baby, he’s gone.”  
“He’s only...going for a drive. He said he’ll be back soon.”

A sigh would leave Heidi’s lips, or Alana’s lips, or the therapists’ lips. They’d shake their head and leave because Evan’s now tired, soft voice always sounded as if knew deep down Jared was dead and he had gone to his funeral, dropping in the last flower and seeing the dirt thrown on top. He was moving back instead of forward and they were all so disappointed. It seemed he was so oblivious to the fact his boyfriend had almost a year ago.

But Evan did truly know. Too well. He still had nightmares about it. Evan still cried and sometimes even screamed for hours on end over it. Once or twice he even threw a plant or two, clay shattering to the floor and books scattered around the room.

Evan always broke down and cleaned up the room afterwards. He didn’t like the mess. Jared never really cared whether or not the room was clean, just that he could fall asleep with arms wrapped tight around him.

Evan spent hours cleaning, adjusting the curtains or straightening the books or folding and re-folding the blankets. Evan thought that maybe Jared might change and get upset over the mess. One day.

One day he’d come back from his trip to the supermarket, or California, or Europe somewhere. He’d bring back some little gift or souvenir or even another small plant in a clay pot. Then, they’d press light kisses to one another’s faces and curl up in blankets, reading comics and watching another superhero movie together.

No matter how much tea Evan drank, or how many blankets he wore, or how many comics and movies he tore through, Jared would always be dead. He wasn’t at the library, or in Philadelphia, or Asia. He was in the ground, shriveling up until he was a skeleton in a few hundred years.

Evan was in denial.


	8. White Stained Red

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan misses Jared.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning: Cutting and suicide attempt! Please don’t read if you’re sensitive to that stuff!

Time passed. To him, it stopped. Dragged on. Too, too slow. He never left the house even as another year went on. But, like glass, the boy broke. His shirts didn’t smell like him anymore.

 Evan was quickly breaking. One day, he shattered. All of Jared’s shirts were worn. They all smelled like Evan now. He was losing him so quick. Jared’s things had been held and touched over and over and Evan contaminated everything with himself.

Jared was gone. He was gone and Evan was suddenly dropping a bundle of Jared’s- no, his shirts onto the ground, suddenly bursting.

Evan screamed. For ten whole minutes, inhuman, broken and tired screams escaped Evan’s mouth. Jared was gone. Evan knew he was gone. Evan wanted him back so bad.

Before he could think, Evan found himself in his once shared bathroom, laying back in the bathtub. In his hand, Jared’s old box cutter. Jared’s- his, shirt, was being spotted with Evan’s tears.

He had to do this. He had to see him again. He couldn’t live this life alone anymore. Jared was gone completely. Evan accepted that, but he couldn’t deny his yearning for the boy. Besides, there was nothing stopping Evan from seeing him again.

After an hour of sobbing until he lost his voice and staring at the wall, his arms were cut up, bleeding out into his lap and all over the pearly white tile of the tub. Even the promise ring Evan never had the heart to take off was covered in his blood.

Now, everything was bright- too bright. Evan felt dizzy. The room was spinning and his ears rang. Perfect.

A scream rang through the silent bathroom, a girl getting to her knees beside the tub. She grabbed a folded towel on the shelf near the tub, swearing and crying as she pressed it to Evan’s arms.

“Oh, fuck, Ev, why would you do this? God, please-“ Alana quickly wiped her face with the back of her hand, reaching into her pocket to get her phone.

For the next minute or so, Alana called the police through her tears as Evan watched, slipping in and out of consciousness. Evan didn’t say anything. At least, not anything audible. As Alana hung up and waited for the police, Evan cried, begging Alana to let him die. All Alana heard was a jumble of nonsense.

But, he was saved. An ambulance collected Evan from the home like they had gotten Jared when the first signs of his sickness showed. They both fell unconscious. And they were both saved. For a while. 

Over the course of the next few weeks, Evan recovered in the hospital. Two hospitals, really. The first was the regular hospital. Used to care for him physically. Then, a mental hospital. Used to care for him mentally, of course.

Evan came back home different and the same. He was still lonely, although more numb and less sad. Occasionally, he’d have a visitor or two. Someone would deliver food to his porch, try to coax him out of the house.

The farthest Evan had ever gotten was the garden. It was dying now, having been neglected for over a year. So was Evan, really. Still, he tried to help it but gave up after a week when he realized he’d have to leave and get more items to help save the plants. Just like him.

Evan always went back inside and didn’t come out for a few weeks afterwards. And so, the cycle continued.


	9. Maybe Things’ll Get Better

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alana visits Evan.

Time spent alone. Ticking. Winding down. He was alone. He wasn’t gone. But he _was._ Stuck. Only difference was the scars up his arms. The world went on without him. The cycle continued.

One morning, the cycle was broken. Alana hadn’t realized Evan was home until she called Heidi. Heidi told her Evan had been home for a few weeks now, and that he was regressing back to how he was before the hospitals. Alana visited Evan immediately.  
  
“Evan?” Alana called out, spotting him standing in front of the dead flowers of the garden. He stood and stared. He seemed lost. _He was so lost._  
  
Evan merely turned his head, looking to Alana. Evan was so indifferent. A serial killer could’ve stood before him and Evan wouldn’t even flinch.  
  
“The flowers are dying. _He_ wouldn’t want me to let the flowers die.” Evan pointed out calmly, although afterwards taking in a sharp breath and looking away. Alana nodded, moving forward slowly. She placed a hand on Evan’s shoulder. He flinched, but other than that, he stood fairly still.  
  
“It’s okay. For now, let’s get you inside, hm? It’s cold.” Alana pointed out, taking Evan’s arm and guiding him inside. Evan walked beside her, gaze glued to the ground.  
  
Alana felt terrible. Evan looked bad. There was no getting around that. Detached, definitely. It had been over a year since Jared’s death. Of course Evan wasn’t over it, even still. Alana wanted to help Evan through it, especially since she dropped out of college. Now she was back home.  
  
That morning, Alana made Evan tea and toast with jam. It was easy. Manageable. Evan didn’t vomit after eating a few bites. Alana even got a small conversation out of Evan, something deemed impossible after countless attempts by his therapist and Heidi. That was a while ago. Alana wouldn’t give up.  
  
So, that’s how it went. Alana visited Evan every morning and occasionally the afternoon alongside him, dropping off enough meals for the whole day and having a quick conversation until she had to get into work. Alana used up money and time, but it was worth it if she could bring Evan any comfort.  
  
She did. Evan was never the same person. He wasn’t bubbly, or carefree, or happy. He was quiet, and tired, and disconnected from the world. But, there was an old part of him, a piece of him, that had been brought back to the world.  
  
His eyes.

Evan’s eyes glittered whenever Alana visited him. The darkness hadn’t quite sucked him in too easily with Alana. Evan wasn’t happy, but he was closer to it.

It was a beautiful sight, really. At first, it was a rare sight. Sometimes, Alana made a joke, and although Evan never laughed, his eyes lit up. Like they were a candle wick waiting for a match to one day light them aflame. Although it never spread like a wildfire, it was clear Evan was a little bit better. That’s all anyone ever wanted from him.

  
On free days, Alana sometimes even got Evan out of his house. She brought him to the store once to buy flower seeds for the garden, and one time to eat dinner with her family. Evan always found something that reminded him of Jared, and that always made him upset, and it never lasted long. So, they stayed inside a majority of the time.  
  
Still, Evan was getting better. He got out a bit, his eyes sparkled, and he had a new visitor. Two, actually.  
  
One day, someone new visited.


	10. It Doesn’t Get Better

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan suffers another loss.

Knocking sounded on the door. Girl waits patiently. Smile on. Heartbreak off. She was here for a friend. He wasn’t doing good. She’d try to help. Time stood still.   
  
Evan turned his head away from the window overlooking the garden at the sound of a knock at the door. Alana.   
  
Evan headed downstairs, his eyes glimmering in excitement. An odd time, sure, but he would love to see her nonetheless.   
  
Evan opened the door, stepping back a bit at the sight. It wasn’t Alana.  _ It was Zoe.  _ He stared at her, silently, a mysterious expression on his face. Zoe couldn’t pin down what it was, if it was anything. Nonetheless, Zoe offered her best smile, holding out the wrapped container in her hand.   
  
“Casserole. My mom made it. For you. Can I come in?” Zoe asked, her eyes scanning over Evan and trying not to be surprised at how he changed. It wasn’t completely drastic, like if he got super fat or super skinny. He was Evan sized. But he wasn’t Evan.   
  
Evan looked so tired. Scared. Lonely. Disheveled. The excitement in his eyes from when he first opened the door had died and his eyes glazed over with a look Zoe couldn’t figure out. Still, he nodded and stepped back, gesturing for her to come in.   
  
“Thank you.” Zoe said, nodding and stepping inside. He was so different. Memories of his home flooded Zoe’s mind. Kissing, and laughing, and being happy. But, Zoe pushed those memories down. Now was not the time to grieve. Now was the time to help.   
  
Evan didn’t tell Zoe where to put the food, so she left it on the counter. “It’s gluten free vegan something something blah blah blah. My mom is still going through all her weird phases. But my family’s doing better. You know that already, though.” Zoe said honestly, smiling to herself. “We go to the orchard still. I want to go again, with you. Like we did a few years ago.” Zoe said. It was quick. Evan was better back then. He wasn’t dating Jared yet, but he was alright. Working at Pottery Barn, healing. Not anymore.   
  
Evan nodded slowly, moving to the window, sitting in his usual spot. “I’m glad.” Evan said simply, staring at the dying garden. “I don’t want to see  _ the orchard _ .” Evan seethed afterwards, and those words held so much anger and bitterness Zoe was surprised; Evan hadn’t shown that much emotion in forever, even to Alana. Zoe’s heart dropped.   
  
“We won’t, then.” Zoe reassured, moving to sit beside Evan. “Are you hungry?” Zoe asked.   
  
Evan shook his head. “ _ No _ .” 

  
Zoe sighed. The rest of the visit had gone like that, with Evan being fairly unresponsive. He didn’t move from the window. Zoe gave up.   
  
Only, not fully. She came back again a few days later, with more food and an unrelenting smile on her face. This visit was better. Zoe planned out things to say, making sure she never hit any sensitive points in Evan’s mind. And, she never did.   
  
Evan had joked around with her, smiling and laughing a few times. Even Alana never managed to achieve such a thing.   
  
It was  _ everything _ to Zoe. Evan’s nose crinkled the way it always used to when anyone told him some stupid pun or a funny joke. His cheeks flushed pink and his eyes sparkled, aflame and lively. His laugh was the best part. It bubbled in his chest, spilling out into breaths and cute noises, and occasionally even a snort. Zoe didn’t even remember what she had said, too concerned with the fact Evan had started even laughing in the first place.    
  
Over the course of the next few weeks, Zoe visited Evan many times. She couldn’t help herself. Zoe’s feelings for Evan were growing. One day, Zoe had tried to kiss Evan, but he pulled back, crying afterwards.  _ He was supposed to be kissing Jared. _ So, he was taken back a few steps. A few walls were put up.   
  
But, Zoe visited even after that, and they got back onto better terms, becoming better friends. She took some walls down. Still, Zoe was falling for Evan. Now, it was both figuratively and literally.    
  
One winter day, Zoe collapsed at Evan’s feet, unconscious. She convulsed, taking in shallow, sharp breaths. And, like Jared, Zoe had fallen.   
  
Good things never lasted.


	11. Again?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan suffers another loss.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys thought I forgot about this story, didn’t you??? Well, I didn’t. Super duper sorry for not posting, I haven’t been sad enough (and still am not) to write too well, but I made an attempt nonetheless!! I hope you enjoy the new chapter, and sorry for making it so short!! Hopefully I’ll get even more out sooner than later. <3

> Boy falls. Girl falls. The other hesitates. She is shaking. Convulsing. He is still. Time stops for a moment, then starts at full speed. And then he screams. She is silent. Breaths stop. He doesn’t. Hands move down, cradling a head to his chest. He sobs. Skin pales. Shaky hands call for help. Help help help, somebody please help-  
>    
>  Zoe didn’t last throughout the night.     
>    
>  She fell at his feet and stayed there. No matter when the ambulance came, she wouldn’t be able to be saved. She was dead the moment she hit the ground.   
>    
>  The doctors still don’t know what it is. They don’t know what’s killing a handful of people a day. It didn’t seem to be an epidemic. They didn’t know how it spread. All they knew was that another body was added to the count, and that Zoe Murphy’s life was over.   
>    
>  Jared had a chance. He suffered longer, but he lived longer. At least, when the sickness hit him. But he was gone and Zoe was gone and no one knew what the hell was going on.   
>    
>  Especially Evan. He was gone the most. There was a huge, gaping black hole in his heart- if you could even call it that. His heart was shattered to pieces. Alana was quite surprised Evan hadn’t died of a broken heart yet.   
>    
>  But maybe he’d die soon, too. Maybe he was already sick. Maybe he’d fall next.   
>    
>  Or maybe he’d live with this curse. The burden of watching all of your loved ones die around you.   
>    
>  Maybe.   
>    
>  After the police questioned him, Evan vowed to never speak to anyone again. He wouldn’t go near anyone again. He couldn’t have another person die right before his eyes.   
>    
>  That night, Evan stared up at the sky for hours.   
>    
>  His face was cold.   
>    
>  He was cold.   
>    
>  Zoe and Jared were cold.   
>    
>  They were cold and so, so far away.   
>    
>  Around three in the morning, Evan’s legs finally gave out and he fell down just like Jared and Zoe.   
>    
>  He was alive. Still. He felt dead, but he was alive.   
>    
>  Evan let out a soft whisper to the sky.   
>    
>  _“I’m so sorry.”_


End file.
